There is no one typical, detectable personality of an abuser. However, they do often display common characteristics.

• An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members.
• An abuser objectifies the victim and often sees them as their property or sexual objects.
• An abuser has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He or she may appear successful, but internally, they feel inadequate.
• An abuser externalizes the causes of their behavior. They blame their violence on circumstances such as stress, their partner’s behavior, a “bad day,” on alcohol, drugs, or other factors.
• An abuser may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence and is often seen as a “nice person” to others outside the relationship.

Source: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include but are not limited to:

• Extreme jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Unpredictability
• A bad temper
• Cruelty to animals
• Verbal abuse
• Extremely controlling behavior
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
• Forced sex or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex
• Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
• Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
• Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school
• Controls all the finances
• Abuse of other family members, children or pets
• Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
• Control of what the victim wears and how they act
• Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
• Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
• Harassment of the victim at work

Source: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Every relationship differs, but what is most common within all abusive relationships is the varying tactics used by abusers to gain and maintain power and control over the victim. Nearly three in ten women and one in ten men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner (or former partner) and reported at least one impact related to experiencing these or other forms of violence behavior in the relationship (e.g. feeling fearful, concern for safety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), need for health care, injury, crisis support, need for housing services, need for victim advocacy series, need for legal services, missed work or school).

Physical and sexual assaults, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic violence and are usually the actions that make others aware of the problem. However, regular use of other abusive behaviors by the abuser, when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, make up a larger scope of abuse. Although physical assaults may occur only occasionally, they instill fear of future violent attacks and allow the abuser to control the victim’s life and circumstances.

Source: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Domestic violence affects all aspects of a victim’s life. When abuse victims are able to safely escape and remain free from their abuser, they often survive with long-lasting and sometimes permanent effects to their mental and physical health; relationships with friends, family, and children; their career; and their economic well-being.

Victims of domestic violence experience an array of emotions and feelings from the abuse inflicted upon them by their abuser, both within and following the relationship. They may also resort to extremes in an effort to cope with the abuse. Victims of domestic violence may:

• Want the abuse to end, but not the relationship
• Feel isolated
• Feel depressed
• Feel helpless
• Be unaware of what services are available to help them
• Be embarrassed of their situation
• Fear judgement or stigmatization if their reveal the abuse
• Deny or minimize the abuse or make excuses for the abuser
• Still love their abuser
• Withdraw emotionally
• Distance themselves from family or friends
• Be impulsive or aggressive
• Feel financially dependent on their abuser
• Feel guilt related to the relationship
• Feel shame
• Have anxiety
• Have suicidal thoughts
• Abuse alcohol or drugs
• Be hopeful that their abuser will change and/or stop the abuse
• Have religious, cultural, or other beliefs that reinforce staying in the relationship
• Have no support from friends of family
• Fear cultural, community, or societal backlash that may hinder escape or support
• Feel like they have nowhere to go or no ability to get away
• Fear they will not be able to support themselves after they escape the abuser
• Have children in common with their abuser and fear for their safety if the victim leaves
• Have pets or other animals they don’t want to leave
• Be distrustful of local law enforcement, courts, or other systems if the abuse is revealed
• Have had unsupportive experiences with friends, family, employers, law enforcement, courts, child protective services, etc. and believe they won’t get help if they leave or fear retribution if they do (e.g. they fear losing custody of their children to the abuser)

These are among the many reasons victims of domestic violence either choose to stay in abusive relationships or feel they are unable to leave.

Source: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

When it is a viable option, it is best for victims to do what they can to escape their abusers. However, this is not the case in all situations. Abusers repeatedly go to extremes to prevent the victim from leaving. In fact, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence. One study found in interviews with men who have killed their wives that either threats of separation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that lead to the murder.

A victim’s reasons for staying with their abusers are extremely complex and, in most cases, are based on the reality that their abuser will follow through with the threats they have used to keep them trapped: the abuser will hurt or kill them, they will hurt or kill the kids, they will win custody of the children, they will harm or kill pets or others, they will ruin their victim financially — the list goes on. The victim in violent relationships knows their abuser best and fully knows the extent to which they will go to make sure they have and can maintain control over the victim. The victim literally may not be able to safely escape or protect those they love. A recent study of intimate partner homicides found 20% of homicide victims were not the domestic violence victims themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders.

Source: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence